Royalty Treatment: Trump to Fine Latinos for Use of Term “American”

Latinos pissed, aggressively emphasize America not a country A New York Penthouse — For years, Latinos have insisted that they are also “Americans.” Now, US President Donald Trump plans to fine them each time they use the term. Latin-Americans have well-known fury from being excluded from the “American” membership. Each time a US citizen identifies as…

Nicaraguan Soldiers Invade Coco Island, Hammerhead Sharks Furious

Incessant complaints give International Court judges chronic migraines Puntarenas – This morning, four men were rescued from a drifting dinghy and rushed to the Max Terán Valls Hospital to be treated for heat stroke and dehydration. They identified themselves as rangers from the Isla de Coco National Park, and gave an unusual account of being…

Costa Rica Trapped in Rerun

Entire country caught in temporal loop scientist reports SAN JOSÉ — Two weeks ago, at the International Court of Justice in The Hague, Costa Rica filed a complaint against Nicaragua regarding the military occupation of Isla Calero. At about the same time, the government closed the ill-famed Platina, the bridge spanning the Virilla River, with promises…

2016 Hangs Self Ahead of Holiday Season to End Misery

Year leaves suicide note, apologizes for collapse of mankind BROOKLYN — Fearing further political upheaval, unimaginable deaths and overall human decay during the final three weeks of the year, 2016 was found hanging this morning in its studio apartment in Williamsburg. It was 347 days old. “Trump, Brexit, Gene Wilder, Zika, David Fucking Bowie,” 2016…

Virgin Sacrifice Would Decrease Volcanic Activity Experts Say

Sacrifice refuses to throw himself into the crater HEREDIA — Eruptions from the Turrialba Volcano continued Thursday afternoon, spewing even more ash into the air. The explosion is the most recent in the increasingly violent activity from the volcano. Scientists are concerned that if preventative measures are not taken soon, the entire central valley will become covered…

Costa Rica World’s Top Destination for Slimy Gringos, Study Shows

San Jose’s “Gringo Gulch” and Jacó rated as world’s best spots to be an anonymous expat sleaze ball with no repercussions SAN JOSE – Traffic slowed to a halt in downtown San José today as drunk and slovenly dressed gringos took to the street to celebrate Costa Rica’s designation by think-tank Transient International as the world’s…

Scientific Study Confirms Long-Time Myth: Ticas, in Fact, Do Not Poop

Study reveals “What goes in doesn’t always come out” San Jose — After decades of assumptions and rumors, the Costa Rican Medical Association (CRMA) confirmed last week what locals here had long concluded: There is no scientific evidence to confirm that Costa Rican women, or Ticas, defecate. The study, which was carried out over the course…