MEXICO CITY — Mexico is throwing in the towel — and picking up a broom — after Club America’s humiliating defeat to Toronto FC in the CONCACAF Champions League semi-final Tuesday night signaled the death of the country’s storied soccer tradition.
After the 4-2 aggregate defeat, club officials for the Mexico City-based team said the result left little choice but to seek other options for a new national sport.
“Not only did we lose to Major League Soccer, but it’s pinche Canada,” manager Miguel “el piojo” Herrera said. “If we can’t beat a bunch of players high on timbits, poutine and maple syrup, we don’t deserve to be on the pitch.”
“It’s the worst futbol-related loss since Dos a Cero in the 2002 World Cup and that rata Landon Donovan running circles around us,” el Piojo said. “It’s almost as embarrassing as when Trinidad & Tobago beat the U.S. to knock them out of the World Cup. Pues, maybe not that bad,” he said while intermittently yelling curling related orders like “hurry hard!” at his players as they exited the stadium.
After the defeat, Mexico’s top division, Liga MX, announced it would disband and join the MLC: Major League Curling. Players across the nation have already traded in their cleats and injury-healing water bottles for ice-resistant bowling shoes, non-stick brooms, and fluorescent plaid-patterned pants.
Despite outrage from local soccer fans, Herrera encouraged Mexicans to draw inspiration from the Disney film classic, Cool Runnings.
“Guey, if an overweight, out-of-touch John Candy can get four Jamaicans down an ice shoot in the ‘80s, we sure as hell can push some rocks across ice,” he said as he looked up “the hammer” and “Broomstacking” in Curling for Dummies.