SAN JOSE – The tiny Central American nation of Costa Rica shocked the world by choosing the more progressive, intelligent and qualified of its two candidates in a Presidential election yesterday, a result that halts the notion that human beings, without fail, voluntarily choose the biggest idiot available to accelerate mankind’s pace of decline.
Carlos Alvarado, who appears to have a brain and a nice head of hair, triumphed in yesterday’s election over rival Fabricio Alvarado, a gay-hating evangelical gospel singer who’s resume includes dropping out of college and public opposition to anything forward-thinking such as same-sex marriage, marijuana legalization and in-vitro fertilization. Despite obvious reasons to not vote for Fabricio – including a video of his wife high on God yelling at Facebook viewers in tongues while sitting at a kitchen table with her friend — much of the world expected him to win given democracy in recent years has proven that believing in the intellect of any electorate will just disappoint you and is really just an act of self-deceit.
“I mean, it seems that in recent years, the less qualified you are and the more checkered your past, the better chance you have of becoming President,” said Guillermo Alvarado Alvarado, a 36-year old Costa Rican who forgot to vote on Sunday. “Liberia elected a soccer player, the Philippines voted in a murderer and the U.S. went with a racist, boom-and-bust business mogul slash reality television star that molests women and cheated on his wife with a porn star. To think Costa Rica would go with the smarter Alvarado seemed as probable as Jacó being considered a family beach town.”