Cheating historically proven as best strategy to win, PRI President says
STATE OF MEXICO — Members of Mexico’s PRI took to the streets this weekend to reassure supporters that, if a victory in the 2018 presidential elections is ever in doubt, the power-drunk party will revert to its most tried-and-true success tactic: Shameless electoral fraud.
“Authentic and paid supporters of the PRI here today, let me remind you, our corruption knows no limit,” PRI President Enriquece Ochoa said at a rally Saturday in the State of Mexico, where the party rigged a local election last year. “Do you think we would actually let AMLO win? No mamen. This aint our first rodeo.”
Ochoa, whose every word comes off as genuine as a Louis C.K masturbation apology, reminded party loyalists that the country already took one presidency away from AMLO in 2006 and that, 12 years later and with the PRI’s sophisticated Israeli hacking software, stealing the July election will be as easy as “helping a governor flee the country with briefcases full of money,” he laughed.
“Our lust for power and self-enrichment isn’t going to be denied by something as arbitrary as democracy,” Ochoa said. “We promise you, citizens of this great country, that we will cheat our faces off to win this thing.”
When asked about the threat of victory posed by AMLO, who leads most polls not published by PRI-owned and operated media outlets, Ochoa guaranteed the crowd that he will continue to smear the opposition candidate with inaccurate claims, such as Russian and Venezuelan election interference, in an effort to confuse and scare voters, which is just good fun, he said.
“I mean, who in the world really truly wins elections on their own anymore?” He joked. “Allowing the people of a country to truly elect their leader is a relic of the past. We assure you, wonderful citizens of this proud country, that we will not let that happen on July 1.Viva el PRI! Viva la democracia! Viva México!“