‘MERICA __ Tex-Mex restaurants across the country are banding together this week to ensure the flawed traditions of margaritas, sombreros, maracas, bastardized Mexican food and overall cultural cluelessness are again propagated upon masses of uninformed Americans this Cinco De Mayo.
Friday’s Cinco De Mayo promises to be another idiot-dance of obliviousness celebrated by legions of white people as Mexican Independence Day despite its relative insignificance south of the border, said Taylor-Brad Jones Miller, owner of Muy Bueno Comida Cantina in Paris, Texas. Jones Miller, who was shocked last year to learn Cinco De Mayo wasn’t Mexican Independence Day after an exhaustive google search, will serve only the most authentic of Mexican dishes – hard shell tacos, chimichangas, and fajitas – while giving patrons complimentary ponchos and stick-on mustaches to assure disparaging stereotypes remain intact.
“The Cinco De Mayo fiesta gives us the opportunity to show appreciation for our neighbors, even the illegals and aliens,” said Jones Miller, a Trump supporter with a #BuildTheWall bumper sticker on his Ford F-350 truck. “This is the biggest, best and smartest country in the world, and we didn’t get this way without embracing pieces of the cultures we conquered on our way to the top.”
American news agencies have also committed to join the effort to proliferate cultural deafness by taking on-air tequila shots, promoting “Cinco De Drinko,” and by providing audiences with reminders of how terrifyingly abhorrent the people are employed by major media networks.
“Coronas, Patron, chips and queso,” Jones Miller said. “Nothing says Vivir Mexico like celebrating Cinco de Mayo just like they do down there.”