CANCUN — Mexico’s senate approved a bill yesterday to build a wall around the tourist mecca of Cancun to discourage the flood of vacuous drunken Junior College troglodytes that descend upon the city’s pristine beaches every spring break.
“When America sends its people, they’re not sending their best…Stop me if you’ve heard this before,” Senator Enrique LaRaza said in his speech prior to the approval vote. “They’re sending people with Chinese symbol tattoos, and they’re getting even more regrettable tattoos here. They’re bringing spray tans. Bleach tips. They’re bringing two years of obligatory foreign language Spanish. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, go to four-year universities.”
The push to construct the Cancun wall, which will encapsulate Señor Frogs and all-inclusive hotels offering drink service to white kids under the age of 21, was fueled by media reports that a gaggle of buffoon gringos chanted “Build That Wall” while on a local cruise ship last week. Given the imprecise details of the mob’s request and lack of clarity about where the revelers want a wall constructed, the Mexican government arrived at their own interpretation of the suggestion.
“It’s important that we take into consideration the requests of our most distinguished international guests,” said Senator Magdalena Muro. “If they want a wall, well, it’s important we grab that request by the pussy.”
Construction of the wall will begin immediately near the popular meathead and sorority girl hangouts of Coco Bongo and Carlos N’ Charlie’s, in hopes of being ready ahead of the inundation of U.S. summer high school graduates in June. Once constructed, customs agents at the wall will request SAT scores, current STD test results, the names of two world leaders not from America and a 400-word essay on why Cinco de Mayo isn’t Mexican Independence Day.