Nicaraguan Soldiers Invade Coco Island, Hammerhead Sharks Furious

Incessant complaints give International Court judges chronic migraines

Puntarenas – This morning, four men were rescued from a drifting dinghy and rushed to the Max Terán Valls Hospital to be treated for heat stroke and dehydration. They identified themselves as rangers from the Isla de Coco National Park, and gave an unusual account of being ousted from their station by Nicaraguan soldiers 6 days ago.

The National System of Conservation Areas (SINAC) said that suspicions were not immediately roused by several days of radio silence due to the ranger station’s remote location, and the officers’ tendency not to hear calls over their marimba playing. However, by the fourth day, no one had called in the weekly beer order and authorities began to grow concerned.

Allegedly, a small battalion of Nicaraguan soldiers landed on the shores of Coco Island and took the station by surprise. The rangers, who were caught off guard in the middle of their evening futbolín game, were herded into a dinghy, and given enough fuel and guaro to make it to the mainland. The invaders claimed that Isla de Coco is, and always has been, part of the Republic of Nicaragua, but thanked Costa Rica for taking such good care of it.

In a press conference today, Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega confirmed that Nicas had indeed claimed the island, but insisted that this was not an act of aggression.

“Ticos are always blowing things out of proportion,” he said. “They need to learn to be more ‘pura vida’, as they say.”

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Ortega went on to cite a list of ‘irrefutable’ Internet sources that support Nicaragua’s claim, including an Instagram photo of a Californian adventure-diver with the caption ‘sharks are narly in Nicaragua’, and a screenshot from Google Maps showing Coco within the borders of Nicaragua.

A representative from Google refused to comment, aside from sighing loudly over the phone.

In recent years, the neighboring countries have quarreled over a different island, Calero. In 2010, Ortega’s government also used Google Maps to make territorial claims of that region, though they were overruled by the International Court of Justice.

In January of this year, the ICJ ruled in favor of Costa Rica again, concerning Nicaragua’s third attempt to occupy Calero. President Ortega claimed that his soldiers had just popped across the border on a quick pati run.

Joan E. Donoghue, a judge at the ICJ, told el Peji that the organization has no intention of hearing a case from either nation regarding Coco.

“Frankly, we have bigger fish to fry these days. We’ve got enough work piling up on our desks from real world issues without concerning ourselves with another petty dispute between Puerto Rico and its neighbor.”

Representatives from Universal studios denied rumors that the entertainment mogul financially backed the attack in order to secure Coco for the cheap mass production of Jurassic Park sequels.

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Ortega did not comment on whether he intends to exploit the hammerhead shark population for the dredging of the San Juan River.

 

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