Year leaves suicide note, apologizes for collapse of mankind
BROOKLYN — Fearing further political upheaval, unimaginable deaths and overall human decay during the final three weeks of the year, 2016 was found hanging this morning in its studio apartment in Williamsburg. It was 347 days old.
“Trump, Brexit, Gene Wilder, Zika, David Fucking Bowie,” 2016 wrote in a suicide note left on an unmade mattress on the floor of its filthy, cold apartment. “A rejected peace treaty? Really? I mean, fuck me. Prince? Enough is enough. Out.”
Neighbors say 2016’s behavior took a turn for the worse following the Nov. 8 U.S. Presidential elections, which the year considered its last hope to avoid going down in history as festering cesspool of despair. Though, after Donald Trump’s victory over Hillary Clinton, the public demonization of the year for its appalling string of events left the numeral alone, drunk and desperate for an early end to the misery.
“I sort of felt bad for it,” said neighbor Caitlyn Kramer, who said she heard 2016 crying nightly in its apartment as it flipped between CNN, the BBC and Fox News. “It seemed a bit better after Fidel’s death, but the Brazil soccer team plane crash and John Glenn seemed to push it over the edge.”
2016, which hung itself by standing barefoot on a block of melting ice, said in the suicide note that it hopes it “doesn’t go down in the annals of time of marking the beginning of an apocalyptic paradigm shift” and urged historians to remember the good times amid the unprecedented gloom and dismay.
“Sure the world went to Hell and is headed towards inevitable ruin, but the Chicago Cubs won the World Series! That was kinda cool!” 2016 said it’s in note. “Beyonce’s Lemonade album? I mean, it wasn’t all terrible…right? Fck. Anyhow, I’m sorry. But, don’t blame me you assholes. You did this.”