Virgin Sacrifice Would Decrease Volcanic Activity Experts Say

Sacrifice refuses to throw himself into the crater

HEREDIA — Eruptions from the Turrialba Volcano continued Thursday afternoon, spewing even more ash into the air. The explosion is the most recent in the increasingly violent activity from the volcano. Scientists are concerned that if preventative measures are not taken soon, the entire central valley will become covered by pigpen-levels of ash.

“Though citizens of San José may be ok with that amount of filth, the rest of us are not.” said Nestor Santa Maria of the Volcanic and Seismologic Observatory of Costa Rica (OVSICORI). Santa Maria’s research concludes that volcanic activity can be lessened by appeasing the mountain’s ruthless fire god via human sacrifice.

“It doesn’t take a volcanologist to see that Jacawitz is angry.” said Santa Maria.

After consulting the stars and entrails of a pizote, a suitable sacrifice was chosen, but Santa Maria told el Peji that the offering is not being cooperative.

Wilbur Hernández, Costa Rica’s designated sacrifice, has repeatedly refused to cast himself into the crater. Wilbur said that he would be more than willing to give his life to save Tiquicia, but insists that he is “totally not a virgin, mae”.

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