Country on verge of collapse as citizens refuse to leave homes with unkempt, un-lacquered hair
SAN JOSE – Costa Rica’s worst hair gel shortage in decades reached a tipping point last night as 11 people were killed and 36 more were injured after violent mobs besieged the Max X Menos supermercado in San Pedro on a zombie-like mission to loot the store’s final jars of Moco de Gorilla hair balm.
The usually peaceful Costa Rica, now in its third week of the “Mae, No Hay” gel drought, erupted last night after rumors circulated on social networks that several jars of Moco de Gorilla gel were spotted in the storage room at the Max X Menos on Avenida Segunda. While most Ticos have chosen to stay home rather than be seen despeinado during the drought, the rumors sent manic mobs of Maes, Mops and even Carajillos streaming into the streets like zaguates in pursuit of anything that might restore the coveted glistening, porcupine-ish, helmeted look.
“It was terrifying,” said Mas X Menos stock boy Gabriel Monge León, who took cover under one of the nine unused cash registers until the mob dispersed. “Their eyes were almost as wild as their hair.”
Over the past couple of weeks, the country’s already near non-existent infrastructure has begun to buckle under the strain of the great “Mae, No Hay” drought, as most workers have opted for staying home instead of appearing in public void of hair product. The Caja Costarricense de Seguro Social (CCSS) has been inundated with disability claims of crippling cowlicks and severe bedhead. Essential services such as guachimen, police protection, and pirate taxis have all but halted in some areas of the country.
“The crisis is real,” Foreign Trade Minister Alexander Mora told El Peji from within a paper bag concealing his disheveled hair. “Nearly 94 percent of our gel is manufactured in Mexico and given the popularity of hair gel in the region, shipments are starting to be hijacked by cartels and criminal groups. Studies show that hair gel is now the most desired product in Central America, ahead of tight-fitting Aeropostale t-shirts and tacones.”
Moved by Costa Rica’s plight, the U.S. state of New Jersey has offered to provide relief and drop boxes of gel into areas thought to have the highest need, such as Desamparados and San Jose’s Barrio Mexico, President Guillermo Solis said in a press conference today. In the meantime, Solís is asking Ticos to be patient, remain at home, and look for alternatives.
“If you must leave your choza, please use a chonete,” Solis said. “Also try googling alternatives, such as Maple syrup or Elmer’s glue. I was informed today by the United Nations that natilla, which is being used in Panama, has provided satisfactory results.”