Scientific Study Confirms Long-Time Myth: Ticas, in Fact, Do Not Poop

Study reveals “What goes in doesn’t always come out”

empty-toilet-rollSan Jose — After decades of assumptions and rumors, the Costa Rican Medical Association (CRMA) confirmed last week what locals here had long concluded: There is no scientific evidence to confirm that Costa Rican women, or Ticas, defecate.

The study, which was carried out over the course of several years, conducted a series of tests by observing bathroom behavior of women aged 15-50 at several strategic locations throughout the country, including culinary hotspots in San José such as Soda Tapia, Lubnan on Paseo Colon, and Barrio Amón’s Café Mundo, where the food is so bad it was found the body physically rejects it upon entry.

“The results were really quite astounding,” Julian Caca-Montes, CRMA’s head researcher, said. “We all know Ticas are dainty and elegant, but what confounded us most about the results was: where does it all go? It opposes all physical human behavior previously observed.”

For years, it was thought Ticas had been binge-using Poo Pourri — the repellent spray made to mask fecal poo-poo odor — as a measure to propagate the no-defecation myth. But, since the study’s release, Ticas have come forward in droves to confess confusion to the entire poop process and never “feeling the urge” even after morning coffee, bran muffin or heavy serving of olla de carne.

“I’ve always been confused at how men revel when speaking of the experience and never understood why my novio says he does his best reading in el baño,” said Tanya Goyochea, a Cuba Libre model, who refers to herself on El Fahhhce as the “poopless princess.” “I remember seeing this presentation by Gwyneth Paltrow on ‘Goop’ to lose weight through bowel movements and I was watching thinking ‘what in the demonios is she talking about?’.”

The CRMA study concluded that from the time of a Costa Rican young women’s quincenera through the time of menopause, Ticas’ digestive tract actually creates a digestive enzyme – thought to be formed by an excessive beans and rice diet since birth – that actually nullifies the formation of feces, thus eliminating the need for defecation, Caca-Montes said.

“This really alters the idea that the quincenera is solely a rite of passage into womanhood,” he said. “What we found is that it also signifies the temporary cessation of excrement, which we at the institute consider bien tuanis, mae.”

“In layman’s terms, what goes in doesn’t always come out, gracias a dios.”

 

 

 

 

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