Dear Estefani: V-Day Edition

estefaniEl Pejibaye’s resident advice expert Estefani responds to questions from lovesick readers on this day of love, amor and amistad. If you’re looking for relationship advice or are going through some difficulties in your love live, remember, you can always: Ask Estefani!!


Dear Estefani,

I’m not normally the type to write and ask for advice – I’m not a guila – but I’ve been feeling really down since Paul Walker died. Life just isn’t pure anymore. My family and friends have all seemed to have gotten over it, but I can’t aguantarme. Every time I rev the engine in my Turcel I think of his face and my heart aches a little – but you know, like a man-ache. No homo. I just don’t feel the same way about driving anymore. My maes give me a hard time cause I’m always driving the speed limit now, and my cabras have started saying hurtful things like “you’re a defensive driver” and “I don’t fear for my life anymore”. The other night I backed down from a drag challenge on the Zapote pista. What’s wrong with me?

– Keep on Walking

A: Keep on Walking,

Don’t give up the ezperanza!! Haven’t you read the noticias?? Pablito Walker might still be alive! We might be victims to un hoax total! And, if he is dead, at least he got to live alongside the greatest actors of his time like Vin Diesel, Ludacris y Tyrese whatever his last name is. I say, this is Costa Rica, keep driving como un loco! There are no reglas here. A red light just means speed up mae!

– Estef


Dear Estefani,

My boyfriend found out that I’ve been poking holes in his condoms. He got so angry he threw my olla de carne all over the kitchen floor. I wasn’t even going to ask him to divorce his wife! There goes my dream of becoming a struggling single mother. I’m lost. Is there anything else I can do with my life? Please help me.

Yours truly,

Arnetthe

A: Dear Arnetthe,

Simple solution: Never use condoms! Overpriced and overrated! Don’t give up on your dreams gurl!

– E


Dear Estefani,

My boyfriend impregnated my sister. Should I break up with him?

Sincerely,

Sheinny

A: Dearest Sheinny,

Do you love him? If so, your sister should know better! My credo: Maes over familia, siempre. If you want to win him back, you should get pregnant too. Fertility is proven to attract a man and, if he has two babies within a month of each other, he’ll have to grow up and start acting like the responsible papa that you know he can be. Believe in him!

– Tia Estef


Dear Estefani,

I’m head over heels for this gringa but she doesn’t seem to notice me. I’ve tried all my usual winning lines like: ‘’nice chanchos’’ and ‘’are you tired from running through my mind all day’’ but it’s like she doesn’t hear me. What should I do?”

– Gringafever

A: Gringafever,

Unfortunately, gringa’s just don’t get Tico charm like they should. “Tired of running through my mind all day” is both funny and soooo cute! If she doesn’t respond, sit tight, surely there will be a new crop of study-abroad students at Veritas University that will recognize your chivalry within the next 3 months!

– E


Dear Estefani,

I currently have 5 novias and am seeing another 3 guilas on the side. Even for an azote like me, that’s demasiado, and it’s my first V-Day with that workload. How can I make sure valentine’s day is the best to remember for all 8 of them?

Signed,

Casanova

A: Querido Casanova,

This seems like an easy solution. Send flowers, or steal them from a neighbor’s jardin, to 7 of the 8 chicas. Then post on FB that you are feeling resfriado and that “tengo alergias.” You will immediately be the recipient of sympathy and revered for the sweet gesture. You can’t lose! Then, pick your favorite three carefully. Take one out to a Pops in the morning in Cartago, meet another for lunch in Barrio Amon, and coordinate a night cap in Escazu. Pick lowkey huecos or sodas for the dates, put your phone on silent and, when time is an issue, fake sneeze a few dozen times. When on your date in Ezcazu with #8, give her at least two flowers that YOU bought and, boom, you’re in for a red hot V-Day! It’s only 8 guilas mae. You’re a big boy, you can handle it like a caballero! God speed!

– E-Z to please


Dear Estefani,

I keep arriving on time for things and taking responsibility for my actions and it’s alienating me from everyone I know. What should I do?

Yours faithfully,

Refreshing

A: Hey Refreshing,

Why are you arriving on time? Are you a freak or something? You are ignoring social norms and are suffering the consequences. If this response was a fortune cookie, it would say: Happiness is only found when you learn to be late, lazy and irresponsible. Trust in that.

– E is for Eeeeease up on being an overachiever


Dear Estefani,

¡Que calor!
A: Dear anonymous,

Verdad que si! Tambien hay mucha lluvia! Que locura!

– E of the Erratic climatic conditions

estefaniFrom Alajuelita, Costa Rica, Dra. Estefani has been giving unsolicited advice since she learned to walk. A graduate of La Uruca’s pride and joy el napoleon quesada tecnico’s 6-month doctorate program, Big E also once took a finger painting course at INA. Having left her own nest, she currently resides with her boyfiend’s family in Desamparados where she is learning to be the family’s surrogate grandmother when abuelita heads to the discoteca. In her free time, Estefani enjoys liking her own statuses on El Face, applying make-up on public transit, and browsing for youth-sized mini skirts. You can write her at: imnotarealdoctor@elpeji.com

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