Primate justices could have mishandled trials in past, government says
SAN JOSE — Costa Rica’s Supreme Court acquitted O.J. Simpson, Charles Manson and Scott Peterson this week, a shocking and bizarre decision that has brought international attention to the Central American country’s legal system, which, upon investigation, appears to be run by an uneducated pack of chimpanzees.
The three men, all currently serving prison sentences in the U.S., were acquitted this week by the Costa Rica Supreme Court after the country’s modified constitution — complete with the recently added Chimp Clause — allowed the appeal trials to be heard in San Jose. The three were acquitted within minutes of their trials, as the chimpanzee jurors ate or tampered with all withstanding evidence, according to witnesses.
“I always knew our justice system was rotten, but these chimp jurors have really taken it to another level,” said UCR law professor Ximena Cochrania as she took down her framed law diploma from her wall. “Scott Peterson I can understand, but OJ, really? That mae is guiltier than most of our ex-presidents.”
Since the controversial verdicts, details of the decision have leaked and accusations that the Supreme Court justices are in fact chimpanzees seem to ring true, given that seven robed chimps were spotted at nearby bar Rayuela eating chicharrones shortly after the verdicts were announced. It is now being investigated by a government team to determine if the judges who ruled on the Jairo Mora case last month were also in fact chimps dressed in human clothing attire.
“The frightening question is: How long have chimps been running our court system?” said a court clerk intern, who said he recognized the justices as chimps almost immediately. “They often sling poop around the conference rooms, so I can’t imagine they passed the bar exam.”
The more pressing issue at hand is that Simpson, Peterson and Manson are all free to remain and live in Costa Rica, with little likelihood of the decision being overturned, particularly with the chimps remaining in charge of the legal system, according to experts. Hours after his release, Manson tweeted a selfie with his legally wed wife Afton Elaine Burton in a rent-a-car, along with hashtags #honeymoon #PlayaHermosa #werenotinwonderlandanymore #Todossomoschimps #Redrum. Scott Peterson immediately went to the Del Rey bar in downtown San Jose, according to local newspaper Diario Extra. Simpson’s whereabouts remain unknown, but was heard by many shouting “Je suis innocent” as he skipped out of the courthouse in a #JairoVive t-shirt.
“It’s terrifying, mae,” said a worried surfer at Playa Hermosa, on the lookout for signs of the Swaztika-faced Manson. “With the chimps controlling the courts, this country could become a haven for international criminals,” he said, having obviously not met the gringos that work for online Sports Books in San Jose.