El Pejibaye Top 14 Stories of 2014: Procrastinator’s Edition

La Sele1. La Sele: By far the biggest story in Tiquicia in 2014, and what will likely be the story of the century, was “La Sele,” reaching the quarterfinals in the World Cup and beating the crap out of everyone, including the human biting Uruguayans. The Ticos surged to a world ranking of 16th, their highest ever, and players attributed their success to copious amounts of agua de pipa, salsa Lizano, and contaminating other teams’ drinks with guaro con Fresca.

2. Las Ticas Make World Cup 2015: Neat!

3. Guillermo Solis Beats Communist, Quitter, for Presidency: 2014 meant election season in la pura vida, and it didn’t disappoint. President elect Guillermo Solis survived the fierce competition of Che Guevara groupie José María Villalta and out-of-touch quitter Jonny Araya — who dropped out of the election to join the Brooklyn Nets after realizing most people actually pay for milk — to become the country’s next scapegoat.

4. Lost Gringa Eventually Makes it to San Juan: After reaching worldwide fame for mistakenly going to San Jose, California instead of Costa Rica, Becky Miller, a geography major from Kentucky now on academic probation, finally arrived for her dream vacation in Puerto Rico. She’s mainly stayed off social media since the embarrassing incident, but did post a picture of Puerto Rican jambalaya on Instagram with the hashtag #goodthingsareworthwaitingfor

5. Johnny Araya Photoshops Self into Ellen’s Oscar Selfie: Infamous for allegedly fabricating images at campaign rallies, Costa Rica’s favorite mayor’s most accredited picture actually occurred abroad after he jumped into host Ellen Degenere’s Oscar night selfie. This picture appeared on Araya’s Flikr account mere nights before the election, stating simply “Jennifer Lawrence es una rica” without further explanation.

Johnny

“Jennifer Lawrence es una rica” – Johnny Araya

6. Shi Frijo Lite: After Mike Lamb won 13 chicharones in “Chi Frijo Gate” — when the Uvita native claimed to have invented the unremarkable dish of beans, rice and pork bellies — the nation introduced its first gluten-free dietary option: Shi Frijo Lite. Early reports reveal it not only tastes better, but is also more pronounceable.

7. Luis Pinto Smoked Mota de la Calle, Sent Back to Colombia: After La Sele were eliminated from the World Cup, coach Luis Pinto was shockingly let go as team manager. In justifying the decision, Costa Rica’s Football Federation President Eduardo Li claimed that Pinto had failed a drug test for marijuana, something that would not be tolerated. “We must keep our integrity intact,” Li said as he stacked 50,000 colones bills on the podium. “Costa Rica is not a country where marijuana is permitted on every street corner and we don’t need that Colombian influence here anymore,” he said days before announcing on Twiiter he was in fact in a romantic relationship with new coach Paolo Wanchope.

8. Keylor Navas Living the Dream as Everyone’s Sloppy Seconds: La Sele’s historic run in the World Cup was fueled by keeper Keylor Navas, who promptly secured a position with Real Madrid’s practice squad. A hero in Costa Rica, Navas continues to be a national inspiration as a perennial backup.

  1. Hair gel9. Costa Rica Becomes Hair “Gyel” Per Capita Capital of World: International Institute of Ridiculous Hair Products reveals that the average Tico male uses 1/4 of a bottle of LA Looks or Bed Head “gyel” per day for that flawless glossy, dripping look.

10. Costa Rica Begins Paying Overtime For Anyone Working Past 5:08 PM: In an attempt to stop the “slave-like” conditions of unpaid work after technical working hours, Costa Rica implemented extra pay as an incentive. The move is designed to decrease the over-productivity the nation was curiously experiencing, and to make it easier for families to sit down together and watch Combate.

11. Pirate Taxi Strikes: The year also saw prolonged strikes of illegal taxi drivers, which drew parallels to the dumbest thing ever. Las piratas lined the street outside casa presidencial with tents as they camped out waiting for someone — anyone — to care. Word has it they are still there with their Marias running.

12. Johnny Araya Kicked Out of All You Can Eat Restaurant: After quitting the Presidential race, Araya was kicked out of an all-you-eat Chinese buffet in Desamparados when he started eating napkins and the restaurant’s candles after devouring all the remaining Chow Mein and Pot eStickers. In an attempt to “eat his feelings,” he was later arrested while eating a bucket of KFC next to the statue of Colonel Sanders on Paseo Colon.

Chinch13. Snow in the Jungle: Repeatedly throughout 2014, Poder Judicial officials reported glaring red flags regarding what they chalked up to climate change, finding packaged tons of white substances in near clandestine airstrips in the country’s jungles. Curiously, on each occasion the snow disappeared within hours and police officers tweeted about all-night parties in private mansions in Escazu. No other details were made available.

14. Dead Man Becomes Costa Rica’s Richest Man: Due to the Caja’s inability to keep proper records, Humberto Canas of Liberia, who passed in 1989, became the country’s richest man, amassing a wealth of “mucha, mucha plata” according the Finance Ministry. Costa Rica’s IRS has since issued a warrant for Canas’s arrest, as he has failed to pay taxes since his death.

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