Nets sign Araya to 10-Day contract to be first “Openly Fat Former Latin American Presidential Failure”
BROOKLYN – Former Costa Rican Presidential hopeful Johnny Araya announced recently that he was leaving his political life behind to play for the Brooklyn Nets, despite the fact that he is both short and fat.
Araya, who dropped out of Costa Rica’s run-off presidential election last week, said that he began to question his political aspirations after pouring in 36 points and grabbing 24 rebounds in two pick-up games at San Jose’s La Sabana park last month. He also beat his teenaged son in six consecutive games of HORSE, he said.
“There is something magical happening,” Araya said. “My jumper is there, my interior game ferocious and I haven’t missed a left-handed lay-up in months.”
After watching Araya rise up and dunk for game point on an 8-foot goal at Plaza Viquez, a cameraman for Araya’s campaign sent the video to Nets’ coach Jason Kidd. The sub-par first year coach was immediately impressed.
“He looked like an old, short Oliver Miller,” Kidd said. “I knew we needed to sign him immediately before someone else did.”
Araya will team-up with Jason Collins, the NBA’s first openly gay player, and Jorge Gutierrez, an unknown Mexican player, to become what NBA analysts have referred to as the “Modern Day Dream Team.”
“What do you get when you combine a Mexican, a drunk coach, a gay guy, Jay-Z and a fat Costa Rican mayor?” David Letterman joked yesterday on Late Night. “The Brooklyn Nets.”
Araya will lead the new look Nets against the Miami Heat tomorrow night. Araya, who quit smoking last week, will get the start and be the Nets’ shutdown defensive stopper on LeBron James, Kidd said.
“I love his footwork,” Kidd said of Araya. “I think LeBron is in for one of his toughest matchups of the year. He, like the rest of the league, will know who Johnny Araya is after tomorrow.”