Minnie Mouse reveals Dippy Dawg’s dark truths in tell-all interview
LIBERIA – While rumors buzzed this week in national media about the creation of a Disney theme park in Costa Rica, Minnie Mouse came clean on the real reason the “Happiest Place on Earth” will not be breaking ground in the northwest province of Guanacaste.
“It’s Goofy,” she told El Pejibaye this week. “Ever since he and Clarabelle Cow split up, he’s been nothing but a rabid dog. It makes sense why Costa Rica wouldn’t want someone like that sniffing around the local population.”
Goofy’s tumultuous behavior, protected by Disney until now, has transformed from loveably clumsy to outright nymphomania in recent years, Minnie said. Mickey won’t let her out of site since Goofy’s latest manic episodes have resulted in a litter of 17 puppies with Lady while the Tramp was away on business and a fling with Sassy, the cat from Homeward Bound, she said. Goofy has also tried to engage in doggy-relations with Brian from Family Guy and the Jetsons’ Astro, she said
“It’s just gotten out of control,” Minnie whimpered. “With such a large stray dog population in Costa Rica, it didn’t seem prudent to allow un-neutered Goofy to run wild. Guanacaste would become zaguate paradise in no time.”
The rampant humping spree has not been confined solely to dogs, Minnie said. Goofy allegedly flashed a group of teens at Disney Tokyo last month after asking them if they wanted a private ride on the “Red Rocket”. He was also found in just his giant shoes and vest in a Disneyland break-room with the Little Mermaid’s Ariel and Belle from Beauty and the Beast.
Luis Gerardo Castañeda, Liberia’s mayor who originally announced Disney’s Costa Rica plans, was reluctant to confirm Minnie’s testimony, though confirmed that Goofy’s erratic behavior may have led to the cancelation of the theme park’s expansion plans.
“We have enough complaints about wild dogs here,” he said. “If he has been humping guests, imagine what would happen if he met the Rumba girls.”
Goofy, who is separated from both Clarabelle Cow and Glory Bee, was quick to claim his innocence amid the sex addiction allegations.
“Garwsh,” he said in a phone interview from the Dr. Phillips Dog Park in Orlando. “I’m single and an international sensation. A little bit of loving keeps me from transforming from Mr. Walker into Mr. Wheeler! Gawrsh! Nobody wants that!”