Children taken as compensation
MONTEVERDE – A yucca deal with Ireland went south this week as Irish President Michael D. Higgins stole nine traditionally dressed Costa Rican children as compensation for unfulfilled trade promises.
Costa Rica and Ireland brokered a deal in March to exchange Tico yucca for Leprechaun gold. Valued at around U.S. $8.7 per coin, the Irish offered 115 pots of gold for 30 tons of Costa Rican yucca, known commonly in Ireland as “yummy exotic taters.”
“It seemed too good to be true,” said Finance Minister Edgar Ayales. “We had no idea the yucca crops would be ravaged.”
Beginning in June, a tragic worm plague slowly began devouring Costa Rica’s “yummy exotic tater” crop. As a result, yucca deliveries to Ireland ground to a halt, leaving the Irish government in search of reparations.
“The Irish are so pleasant when you first meet them, but I was beside myself when they reacted to our pleas for more time with such anger,” Ayales said. “We tried everything to calm the situation. We sent fruit baskets and coffee, offered a 10% discount at Baldi, and I can’t even count how many times I said Pura Vida to them. Nothing worked.”
This is not the first time Costa Rica has had to ask for an extension paying back a loan – the Finnish Banana Blunder of 2008 is still an embarrassing blemish on the country’s international trade record. However this time, instead of compensation via 12,000 free travel packages to all-inclusive beach resorts, the Irish wanted to up the ante to include something a bit more personal: Nine forest children from Monteverde.
“When we asked for an extension and were refused, the President told us we would pay with the blood of our children,” Ayales said. “We never took him seriously.”
Days later, Higgins, described by Foreign Minister Rene Castro as “a wee, spry little man”, descended from the Costa Rican skies in a magic basket. He introduced himself as Stealskin, a representative of the Irish Ministry of Tricks and Shenanigans (MTS). Stealskin demanded that the nine young Ticos be offered as payment. Costa Rica had no choice but to oblige, Ayales said.
Nine young boys and girls from Monteverde were selected at random by the Caja Costarricense de Seguro Social, or CCSS. According to witnesses, when the transaction was presented, Stealskin whipped out his magic flute and began to play a merry melody.
“They fell into some kind of trance and just followed him to his basket,” said father of one child.
The government has tried to downplay the embarrassing ordeal the past few days, but more and more Costa Ricans are demanding action. When asked how officials could just let the Irish sequestrate its people, Ayales said the gold could be used to trim the national fiscal deficit, something that the children were unable to do.
“Is it sad? Sure,” Ayales said. “But we couldn’t pay the piper and he took what he wanted. On the bright side, we maintained the gold and the budget is in great shape for 2014.”